Friday, January 4, 2013

When will I sleep again, India?

Last night I had a nightmare. 

And it's not getting out of my mind. It's vague but it's there.

I dreamt getting touched and groped. The next thing I remembered was getting a lot of strength from somewhere, and dragging the person from one place to another. I would see a police station, drag him there and right at the entrance, it would turn to be regular shop. This kept happening for about an hour, and then suddenly scenes changed, and events started involving people from my life. I remember waking up to drink water at 3 am, and when I woke up confused from this dream, it was 4:40 am. 

I am sure I should be fixing a meeting my shrink instead of blogging it, but the last thing she can assure me is security and peace of mind. I did try to talk about it. But ironically no one was free. Maa is the last person I would tell this to. So, here it is.

I am not blogging this because I want you all to know what I dream. I want to point to the men, do you realise I am not the only woman dreaming this? Some are dreaming, coz the fear is in the subconscious. Some are visualising and fearing when wide awake. I woke up with a dry throat, because I couldn't find a police station. In a conscious state of mind, I trust the police lesser than I would trust a politician. The current situation, where we keep hearing how unhelpful the department is all over the country, is scaring the subconscious. 

So, what next? I can train my body, I can train my mind. But how do I get rid of this scare that's seeped in my mind and taken permanent residence. I have travelled alone at 2/3 am in metros just a few years ago. I, as a person, am very very careful with whatever I do. But, I am scared and unsafe. Not just for myself, but for every woman in my life.

I cannot depend on the men in my life. Not because they don't care, but after December 16, we cannot be led to believe we are safe when we are with a man. 

So, tell me, what next? 
I haven't slept peacefully in weeks. When will I sleep again, India?

3 comments:

  1. I totally identify with what you are saying.. i travel alone..sometimes i get late and even though the face or the body language is forced not to react i know the fear that gnaws at me..it is not just now given the current situation..Remember Gurgaon rape that happened less than a year back? Remember all the jokes about its 8pm are you home yet?

    A rebellious hot headed me wants to say what the hell i have a life to live..things to do..why should i be overtly cautious..the practical me knows..the danger that is out there for me...

    I think the best way to begin is..let people know where you are..so that someone is there to check on you..to not listen to ipod or talk on the phone..basically not be distracted while hailing a cab or auto..its good to keep a few numbers on speed dial..

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  2. Very poignant Samarpita.. and unfortunately so so true that it is on our thoughts, and will be for a long time to come.

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    Replies
    1. I just hope our daughters never have to live with this fear or witness such stuff. May we bear it all and leave a better place for all the young angels

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