Thursday, September 20, 2012

Tears, Idle Tears

Last night was difficult.


I had not been sleeping well, on and off, for almost a month now. A lot of dreams, some nightmares, some senses of gains and some of losses, kept me tossing and turning all night, for weeks. 

For someone with an ego as big as mine, it's really difficult to discuss very private stuff with others, for the simple thought of, 'what would they think!'. If only I could drop this hesitation and talk about what is bothering me, life would be simpler for me. 

Nevertheless, I cope. 

© of the blog
The last few days had been emotionally challenging. A lot was said about me, a lot was insinuated, a lot were true and a lot weren't. What hurt the most was, people were ready to state the facts, while no one wanted to know the reasons behind them. Sad, when this comes from people who are supposed to be close to you.

Well anyway, I had thought I have shut it all but yesterday, it all came back as if the floodgates have been opened. What could I do about people's mindsets? Nothing! So cried. I cried a lot. I cried all day, till I fell asleep at 2am. In between, I ended up clinging to some close friends, scared the shit out of my poor husband by crying non-stop for hours; and some not so close friends told me in simple language that I was being a nuisance. The latter are the people I need to remember to chuck out of my life, soon.

Yet, that fact is that, after a month, I slept. I slept like a rock and woke up only to a bell ringing at 8am. Sitting up in bed, I was surprised. I tried to think back - any dreams, any nightmares? None. I was feeling rested and not tired any more. Maybe somewhere between crying and trying not to, coz it was really really distressing S, I'd stripped my mind off some of the things that were bothering me. I fell asleep with a heavy heart loaded with confused feelings, hugging the only constant person in my life right now, and woke up light headed and rested. This must be a good sign.

Or, is it?

6 comments:

  1. Been there!
    the feeling is awful, seriously.
    I'm out of words, as of now.
    just wanna say this at the moment, god bless you! :)
    @itsCreation

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know what you are going through or I have an inkling because I am like you.. I don't want to talk about my problems, i have cried for nights because of thoughts plaguing my mind, and like you i have scared shit out of someone who tried to be there for me..

    I had read it somewhere, and i have come to believe in it... just give this a thought: People who care don't matter! People who matter don't care! Forget what people are saying... people are not important, loved ones are!!

    I'm glad the worst is over! ((hugs)) i'm there if you need me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. huggs. hope you are feeling better now, in the mind and in the body :)

      Delete
  3. It is true that accommodating mental health can be very tough and complex

    however, sometimes the only reasonable solution to doing what is right is doing what is tough

    hope u get the best possible conclusion..

    ReplyDelete

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